Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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