Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
