someone threw a dead crab at me
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
