youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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