If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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