I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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