Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
