I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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