Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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