The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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