i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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