i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
