I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
