This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
