oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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