he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
