I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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