Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
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call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
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He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
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