I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
