My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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