What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
