I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
