even my farts smell like vagina
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
