Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
