i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight