I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Apple has a Lot to Explain to iPhone X Customers
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
People Asked The Internet Questions About their Private Parts And The Results Are Hilarious
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.