Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you didnt know i had herpes?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it