apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
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let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
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I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen