She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He shit in the fireplace
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
