I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
