he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
