She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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