Im at strip club and am horny
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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