You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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