I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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