Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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