True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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