Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize