Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
