I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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