I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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