Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
