cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
