My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
