Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
