in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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