I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
