sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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