and next time when you feel me up, do it right
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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