is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
