just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
