I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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