explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
