Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
