I feel like abortions should bother me more
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
FUCK WHALES
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