You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
