I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
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He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
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If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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