I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
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I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
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Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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